Hard to Swallow.

It's hard to talk when you're chewing.  It's even harder to write while you are thinking. That is why it has been a while since my last post. 

My whole life people have been spitting out cliches about death and I never really bought it... Some of it, I still don't buy. And pieces of their advice now feel splintered under my skin.  In one week, my husband and I lost two dear family members-- a loss that can't be measured...    

It is so strange when life brings you death.  For some reason, we don't expect it.  It's like we live in this unrealistic assumption that things will be okay and that we will just keep living.  I know I do.  
A lot of things have become clear to me in these past few weeks. I would like to try to share them here, but I feel a sense of pull-back.  What if I offend?  What if I'm insensitive?  But as with all writers, I must keep writing truth as I see it. 


"Life is short."
In the past few weeks of grief, this phrase has certainly come up.  From a human perspective, shortness makes something more valuable.   I'm beginning to realize that  EACH DECISION we make that much more important.  What I mean by that is that if we are waiting around, killing time, partying, etc. we are really wasting our lives.  I think of it like a road.  Each time we take a little step away from the straight path, we are taking our lives on a jagged trajectory...It's subtle and maybe not a big deal when we are 17 or 27.  But suddenly, we wake up and we are 37 or 57 and we wonder how we got here or where the time went....  I guess what I'm saying is, life choices matter and they will determine our finish line- for good or for bad. 


"You just never feel ready for this."
You don't.  God made us to live and to desire life.  Sin screwed us over.  We will never be ready for death.

"In the end, you can't take anyone with you."

It's funny because when I think about life, i usually think that I should be doing more: helping more people, volunteering more, etc.  But the truth is, at the end of life, it's you and God.  Really.  You can't really take anyone with you. And in this experience I realized that I really want more intimacy with God more than I want to "do more."  That's not to say those things are not important.  It's just to say, it all comes back to a relationship with God.  Doing more doesn't necessarily mean you are closer to God. 

"They are in a better place."


The answer to this is yes or no.  I guess I grew up in church, learning about God and his love for me.  And then one day I wake up to read in the Bible that there is a place called hell.  And people go there.  That doesn't make sense...I thought God loved people.  Why would he allow them to a place where they are eternally punished and separated from him?  


This is a hard topic.  One I tend to avoid. I can't tell you it's something I understand. All I can tell you is that I believe in God.  I believe he created the world.  I believe he is the essence of goodness and truth and morality, which is why we have an internal sense of morality, coded into our DNA. Even though it's gotten pretty screwed up in the human race, it's still there, whispering to us that we shouldn't treat others with hatred and screaming out against human trafficking, abuse and a million other injustices in our world. We know these things are wrong. 


I can only conclude that a God who taught us our very sense of morality is acting morally in our world, whether it seems that way or not.  And I can only conclude that hell is a just punishment for those who reject the truth and live a life separate from God.  That doesn't mean it is easy for me to swallow.  It just means I believe it. 
I guess what I'm saying is, the ocean exists, whether you have put your feet in the sand or not.  
Hell is there, whether you believe it or not.  And when we die, we will go one of two places. 


Now there is always the possibility that I am wrong.  In which case, I'm not sure anything matters-- morality, religion, life choices. Sure, having a family and co-existing with neighbors is preferable to being a drug addict-- but only in the sense that it's more peaceful in the moment.  I'm not sure life has a lot of meaning outside of God.  And, if I'm wrong, then you should just live as you please.  In fact, religion is just a crap way of trying to pretend life has meaning.  It doesn't matter what you believe, as long as you feel good about it. 


I'm not trying to say that with an attitude.  Really.  It's just true.  If no religion is true, then it doesn't matter what the hell you believe.  Honestly.  It really doesn't. Co-existing becomes the goal. 


But the truth is, I do believe life matters and our SPECIFIC beliefs matter. And that means EVERYTHING in life matters and EVERY PERSON in uniquely meaningful to God's purpose.  And every creature is in danger of separation from God at the end of their lives if they don't live for him and KNOW God as he can be known.


In short, believe in "absolute truth."  In other words, I don't believe everyone can be right about God, while believing contradictory statements.  I believe there is one truth to be found by all.  That is not to say there are pieces of this God puzzle that I don't misunderstand.  I know as a finite creature, my understanding is limited.  I probably am screwing some stuff up.  But I do believe that God can be found by us.  In fact, I believe he is waiting for us, hoping we crawl into his arms and let him cradle us. 

Straws and Camel's Backs.

The whole idea of the Railroad Tracks blog is to keep in mind that every season has it's joys and pains.  As weak human beings, we must learn to walk in the paradox, knowing God has our back.  

It's ironic because I feel as though I'm living directly in the middle of those tracks right now perhaps more than ever.  I can feel the splintering wood rub against my toes as the cool breeze strikes my face...

On the one hand, my life is overflowing with milk and honey...  My husband just got a new job in the precise field he's be dreaming of working in for years now-- a huge answer to prayer.  Not to mention the fact that in 6 days, we will be sitting on a plane, headed to Italy together (a trip we've been talking about for years).   Additionally, I was just hired to write an article for an online journal, something I didn't think was possible...

Life isn't so bad, huh?

But one little flu (on top of my daily Lyme struggle) and I feel completely derailed.

It makes me so frustrated to be so emotionally frail.  You would think that with the blessings God has heaped on me during these past few months, I would be able to look past a tiny bug, right?  But there is something in our nature that always drags us down in the negative, even when the positive is staring us straight in the face.

When I get down to the root of it, I realize it is not just the flu that is getting me down.  That's just the first layer.   When I dig deeper, I realize it is an accumulation of my health struggles for all these years.  I can't tell you how many trips, camps and weekends have been ruined by my Lyme (and how many times I've felt like a burden to those around me on a trip).  

I guess I just thought, because life suddenly seemed to be going well, that maybe, just maybe, I would make it through this trip unscathed...  I think of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego walking through unbearable temperatures without being touched by the flames...  Why? Because God's protection was over them...

And there I hit a deeper nugget of truth.  Somehow, catching a flu right before a trip makes me doubt God's goodness.  I really have felt his blessing on me and my husband lately and suddenly, I'm sick in bed for days on end again.  It feels like failure.  It feels like God left me. 

But he didn't.  He never does.  He is simply allowing the good and the bad to co-exist.  And yet, somehow, it feels like abandonment.  And I'm not sure how to look at this with the right perspective.  I'm not sure I have it in me to be so positive anymore. 

Have you been there?  

FIRST!

I think most of us have good intentions.  We want to lose weight, eat healthy, connect with God, and serve others.  But the truth is, we don't DO it.  Why?  Because there is a black hole between our intentions and our lives.

I think one of the greatest dangers in life is distraction.  I know I fall prey to its bait all the time.  Life is full of things to do and people to text and sometimes I just forget why I'm here and what I'm doing.

The past few weeks, I've been doing a little experiment.  Instead of spending time reading my Bible and journaling when I'm fully awake, in the mood, have my tasks done, and have finished my yoga-- I'm just doing it.  First thing.  It's sloppy and short and sometimes not fully coherent.  But I'm doing it FIRST.  (Most days I try not even to look at my phone before reading and journaling, although sometimes I just can't help myself!)  And you know what?  It's been awesome.

I guess for me, FIRST means first thing in the morning.  For you, FIRST might mean first thing after work or FIRST thing after getting your kids to sleep.  It certainly doesn't have to be in the morning. Since I don't work, that just happens to be my own personal 'FIRST.'

Just a thought to share today...

The Constant Lesson.

I wish all lessons in life stuck in my long-term memory.  Some things in life do that-- like the multiplication tables or lyrics from a song.  So here's my question: Why can't humility be a one-time lesson?

For the first time in a long time, I've had to remember what it's like to think about EVERY step today.  Every time I've wanted a glass of water or needed to go upstairs, I've sat and thought about it for much too long.  Why?  Because my energy is almost completely sapped.  In fact, if you were to look around my house right now, you would probably be able to tell the story of my day.  The brown sugar is resting on the counter from this morning's oatmeal, there is an empty jar of pickles on the counter from lunch and my mail is strewn across the counter-- unopened.  Why?  Because every action in life requires energy and I'm just too tired to put life away right now.

Which leads me to my point, sickness requires a constant lesson in humility.  It's two steps forward-- one step back.  Today, I will have to ask my husband and my family to help me do things just yesterday I was perfectly capable of... And yet, that is all part of that character-producing, stomach-churning, constant thorn in my side which is the lesson of humility.

I wonder if I will ever get it?

Steady.

The last few weeks have been remarkably steady-- all things considered.  I've been able to keep up a regular (albeit very light) exercise regiment, even with my aches and pains and exhaustion as well as maintain a steady and healthy 2,000 calorie diet.  Considering my place in life, I feel great about it!  Lyme has taken away the impression (false though it may be) that most people have that they are in control of their days and their activities.  And yet, being able to keep up the regimen suggested by my doctor on a daily basis, gives me confidence that I carry with me through my days!

The Either/Or.

Sometimes figuring out how to ‘keep up’ in social situations is difficult, especially if you don’t have a particularly outgoing personality.  Even for those who do have that type of personality, I’m sure you know what I mean. Some situations are harder than others—depending on the group dynamic. 

Harder still is figuring out to how function socially when you are feeling sick. Let’s say a normal person has like 100 bars of energy for a week.  And let’s say 60 bars go to work and basic functioning.  That still leaves 40 bars (40%) of the week’s energy left for the weekend: plenty for a movie, a 10k run, three hang outs with friends, church, and a Sunday evening movie and wine night…  It works out pretty well for the healthy person.  They use their energy during the day and renew their ‘bars’ at night with sleep.  It’s a good system… 

For those of us battling chronic illnesses, energy looks a little different.  Every week we are given a varying amount of energy ‘bars’, making life and social plans difficult to figure.  Maybe some weeks we are given a good 60 bars- which is quite decent, all things considered.  Other weeks are ‘40 bars weeks’ or worse, 10.  On those weeks, you have to simply have to make cuts. 

Sometimes, I feel as though I’m constantly calculating figures in my mind, trying to figure how many ‘bars’ I have left and what do with them.  During the week, I find myself asking questions like: Should I keep my house clean or should I save that energy to welcome my husband when he gets home?  Should I cook dinner or save my energy to be with my family?  Should I drive today or save that energy to get things done around the house?

On the weekends, the questions get more difficult, for that is when most of the social situations arise.  I feel so often that I lie to myself, telling myself that I have more ‘bars’ left than I truly do.  This is not unlike telling yourself that your car has a quarter tank, when that little red light is flashing at you.  It doesn’t matter what you believe you have left, it matters what’s actually in the tank. 

And that is where I find myself so often—staring at that little red flashing light, while still ten miles from my destination. 

      

Live Strong!

Hey everyone,

So this week has been a hard one...I've been struggling with extreme fatigue, particularly when I first wake up and when I go to bed at night.  I've done some modified yoga two days this week, but even that has put me under...However, I've really been working on keeping in line with my eating, which just makes me feel good, even when I don't 'feel good.'

My friend suggested I try out Lance Armstrong's website, 'Live Strong' which helps you make fitness and healthy eating goals, track your progress and calculate everything you are eating to see if you are keeping line with calories and also percentages of protein, fats and carbs.  This is SO awesome for the Zone diet.  I'm totally into it!  It also has the most comprehensive calorie counter I've ever seen.  It even has things like 'Fresh and Easy Cheddar cheese' and specific brands!  It's amazing.

My friend and I are trying to eat really healthy before our trip in the fall, so that when we are in Italy, we won't have to worry about what we are eating- we can just enjoy!  Until then, I'm sticking to it...

livestrong.com


Check it out!

Child's Pose.

I'm not really a 'yoga' kind of person, if you know what I mean.  I don't mean that I've never done it or never enjoyed it.  I guess before I was sick, I had a different mentality about it.  I felt like if I were going to be at the gym for an hour, I'd better make it count.  The truth is, quick results are not really what yoga has to offer.

I told my doctor on Monday about the 'exercise' I'd been trying to attain (15 measly minutes of walking/day) and I whined about how even that was doing me in.  He suggested trying meditation and yoga.

If you are at all like me, the word 'meditation' conjures an image of a dim, steamy room filled with mangy- haired hippies humming in unison.  Not exactly my crowd.

However, I've been learning yoga this week in the comfort of my living room (through our Apple TV) and have found it to be surprisingly doable and enjoyable for my flimsy, weak little body.  That is not to say that I don't get tired, but I find that yoga is perhaps the one activity that runs at my speed right now.  When I walk in my neighborhood, I find myself starring at those toned runners and mom's with running strollers as they whizz past me, as I stumble along.  Not how you want to feel when you are 27...  But yoga is actually quite...right.  I can't explain it.  I'm not feeling a lot of result in terms of muscle of course.  (I am doing beginner's yoga, so I wouldn't expect to.)  But I do see a difference in posture, energy, confidence and even a little bit in my mental state.

It's pretty much amazing.

15.

Fifteen stinking minutes-- that is all the exercise I'm trying to do per day this summer.... 15 minutes.  It's not like I'm trying to sprint; I'm walking, for goodness sake.  And yet, I'm finding it's a bit too much for my body.  I've been able to do it 3 days this week, which wasn't bad.  However, I find myself weak in the evenings from it.  I remember feeling that way when I was healthy and I would do a FULL work out.  That's when NORMAL feel tired-- after doing something significant.  Honestly, I feel like I'm the biggest wimp ever.

I do have to say that it is amazing what a small amount of movement does for your body.  It feels good to realize have your muscles still exist.

Okay, I'm done pouting.  To be honest, I'm excited I'm doing any sort of movement at all.  I lose perspective sometimes.  I remember a time when walking to the kitchen from the living room would cause my whole body to shake.

As C.S Lewis says: "Comparison is the thief of Joy."  

I guess for me, 15 minutes is something to celebrate.

Harvest.

As I sit here this morning, reveling in my breakfast of oatmeal with soymilk and fresh peaches, I feel a sense of newness washing over my being.  These past few years have felt like I've been constantly working on my illness with little or no return.  Of course, getting married in the midst of it all, was an enormous BRIGHT spot in the hard work of recovery.  But I've felt such a weight over my life, my goals and my future.  Will this illness keep me from my passion of teaching forever?  Will I ever get back to 'normal' life?   Will I ever get to travel with my husband as we always dreamed?  (We both have a major passion for travel and photography-- two interests which are fast friends.)   The last two weeks, I've turned a corner--
emotionally and physically-- and suddenly it feels as though, for the first time in this arduous journey, things are going to be all right.  I can't go back to work yet-- of that I am sure.  However, life is offering me little handfuls of fresh summer fruit...  Through a series of serendipitous events and the generosity of a friend, Steve and I are going to Italy this fall! It is quite a miraculous thing indeed...  I have no idea how my body will react to the travel or how I will feel when I'm there, but that is really beside the point.  The point is that, because of the blessings of God and the faithful work and prayers of my family, I am getting better.  It is not complete (and may never be on this side of heaven), but it is progress.  It is hope.  Because of God's blessings, I am LIVING life...Try and stop me. :)

Bubbly.

I feel a bubbling newness in me today.  It is rather exciting.  The streak of increased physical and mental energy continues today, even after a day in the sun yesterday.  (If you don't know already, Lyme Disease + sun +heat = 3 couch days. )   I'm not to attribute this energy to... In fact, when I feel good, I try to simply appreciate it and not ask questions!  It is very empowering to wake with energy.  I often wonder if this is what 'normal' people feel like?  I think for those who are well (myself included, when I have a long streak of wellness), it is easy to get used to health, to forget that it is a blessing.  It is not the status quo.  It is actually like God put money in your account for you.  ("Here's enough to get you through the day, Bree... I hear him whisper.)   Energetic days are like a 'bonus' at work: unexpected, extra, and exciting.  Some people get a bonus every day, while others only get one here or there.  And yet, for those of us who get infrequent bonuses, I believe we appreciate them more.  While everyone else is going through their day in a hum-drum manner, us 'sickies' are jumping up and down: excited to make it to the grocery store AND the bank AND do laundry in ONE DAY.  Wow. :)

Sunlight.

My doctor has me keep a log of my daily energy levels.  It is not something I relish doing and yet it has been one of the most helpful ways of tracking my health and emotional state as I walk through the long corridors of sickness.

This morning I reached for my log, realizing I had forgotten to write in it for several days and I was struck by a realization that this month has been a hard one.  For those of you who have been around me, you might not have seen it on the outside.  It is not at though this month has been one where I've been bedridden.  I've gone to movies, hung out with friends and made social engagements.  And yet, there has been a host of medical issues that I've been dealing with on a daily basis...Fighting with, actually.  And to be honest, sometimes the functioning like a 'normal person' while having to fight the underlying battles is almost harder than just staying home.

The good news is, the sun is peaking its head through the clouds.  Yesterday, I went to my mother-in-laws and took photographs for her new 'Sweet Little Cakes' business.   I felt so alive with the camera in my hand again, thinking creatively without so much as an effort and scurrying around their property identifying good lighting and backdrops for the shoot.  It felt amazing.

This morning, I woke up and wrote in the log (under Tuesday, June 20th), I finally felt energetic!  Compared to the rest of the month, that day looked pretty good. :)

Here are a few pics I took yesterday!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Sweet-Little-Cakes-by-Donna/113802398699600.   

(website coming very soon!) 

Blur.

If you are someone who deals with sickness on a daily basis, you know exactly what I mean when I say-- I have difficulty finding my place.  At the risk of repeating myself, it is as though life is rushing past and here I stand, watching everyone live from a distance.  It is not always a bad thing.  There are advantage to sickness, believe it or not.  One of the greatest advantages would be perspective.  Most people live and drive at 78 mph. While this may get them to their destinations more quickly, there is a lot to be seen from the passengers side window that is a blur when you are the driver.  With that said, I prefer driving.  Fast.  And yet, there is something wise about accepting your place in society as an observer and making making the most of it.

Zone.

Quite a long time ago, I wrote about sugar and how it is supposed to affect Lyme Disease.  People recommended eating natural sugars rather than processed (I think it was mango instead of ice cream...)  I of course, refused.  I am a sweets nut.  I love creamy ice cream, smooth frozen yogurt, chocolately brownies and every sort of heaven out there...  In spite of this, I feel I have a relatively disciplined approach to sweets... um...most of the time...  But that does not mean I'm willing to give them up completely.   

Recently I asked my doctor (in a surprising flood of openness) if there was anything I could do to help my health through diet.  He asked me to list my daily routine of foods and he immediately said  I needed to cut my carb intake and increase my fat intake.  I grew up during the 'low fat' craze, which says cut down your fat to nothing and fill your stomach with whatever low-fat items are out there...  I also jumped on the 'whole grain' bandwagon, which to my surprise my doctor was not thrilled with in conjunction to my other eating habits.  He said some whole grain in fine, but unless i have other fats in my diet and proteins, he said I will not be gaining the energy that I need.  He recommended the basic of idea of the 'zone' diet as a guideline.

Hmmm.  This was a breakthrough for me.  

Now, my initial thought is-- no way you are going to make me change my ways!  And then I thought to myself...Wait a second, I asked him the question!

So for the past 2 months or so, I've been riding this zone wave.  Since I'm not doing for weight, it is a VERY loose diet. I don't even think of it as a diet so much as a switch in thinking.   The interesting thing has been that as I have increased protein and fat and balanced out my sugar cravings.  Trust me---THEY ARE STILL THERE!  But it seems to keep me more balanced throughout the day.  When I first tried it, I did it too extreme (not enough sugar or carbs) and I literally almost fainted.  I found myself on the kitchen floor, almost blacking out.  Not really the point.  So, I've adjusted and introduced more carbs.  I don't worry too much about it when I'm friend's houses.  I kinda just eat what's there.  Sometimes, if we are celebrating, I forget the whole thing all together.  But in my days at home- the normal, slow-paced, controllable days, I can maintain it pretty well and it gives me a sense of balance.  

It feels like a breakthrough in my adult life to switch my eating habits in a very moderate and doable way without obsessing over it.  

And trust me, I have NOT given up frozen yogurt. :) 

Crunch.

I've found myself chopping things lately.  You know: broccoli, carrots, mushrooms, bell peppers, etc...Anything you could put into a stew...  I've also found myself chewing on gum and carrots more than usual. I believe it's because I'm frustrated with many things right now.  

You know those posters that they have up in school that say '100 things to do instead of drugs'?  And then it says: ride a scooter or something brilliant?  I feel like my life has turned into one of those posters lately.  While I don't have a disposition for drugs, I do have the 'I'm a 'type A' personality and I'm annoyed with still being sick tendency.  

And so I will chop and chew and crunch away my frustration...I guess it's better than a lot of alternatives.  

If you have other suggestions, feel free...

Hello again.

After many months of silence on my Railroad Tracks blog, I am poking my head out to say hello .  My silence was not due to a lack of desire to write, but rather a business of writing elsewhere.  I've been working on a manuscript (yes, even in sickness, you can accomplish!) and living life as best as I can.

Today, I am pondering the idea of labels and their effect on our psyche.  A friend of mine noticed that I use the word 'sick' to describe myself often.  It is a defense mechanism of sorts-- a way to explain my lack of working to the world around me.  Because I don't look particularly ill, most people find me kind of a mystery.  (You look fine.  You talk and laugh and hang out like everyone else.  Why don't you work?  What's wrong with you?)  I've found that being outside the normal realm of people who work and lead energetic and busy lives, leaves me needing a category.  On a side note, I was filling out a form the other day that had three check-boxes: full-time student, work, and one other...can't remember.  I found myself staring and it going...nope. nope. nope.  I guess I don't check anywhere.)

And so, in my attempt to explain to the world my condition without really getting into the specifics, I say "I am sick."  I guess I figure that if I say sick, they will think of having the flu or a cold, which is quite miserable and something they have experienced.  Then, in understanding they will nod their heads and say, 'yes, I understand.'  While my condition does not necessarily feel like having a cold or flu all the time, it is the closest most people can relate to my condition.  It is the easy way out of explaning the complexity of the mental and physical implications of having Lyme Disease.

And yet, my friend challenged me the other day...She asked me if my labels are getting in the way of my striving towards healing and viewing myself as healthy.  I didn't think so.  At least not at the moment.  However, I'm conceding to the possibility that perhaps labeling myself as sick (though accurate) might not always be the most healthy way to relate to the people around me, who strive to help me back to health.  

Stuck.

I feel really stuck right now in my writing.  I wouldn't call it writer's block, per se.  I would call it frustrating.  I finished a rough draft of my first teen novel.  It's far from smooth as this point and yet I believe it has potential.  I really want to keep up my daily writing routine (Starbucks- Earl Grey tea, my mac and a pair of headphones,) but I'm not sure what I'd write.  I have a couple of 'maybe' projects on the back burner, but I'm not sure about them.  I'm having a friend review my novel right now, hoping to get some insight.  When I get my manuscript back, I suppose I will keep going on my revision process, but I feel like I'm losing steam.

Ugg....The writer's life... I'm off to one of my 'maybe' projects now.