Bubbly.

I feel a bubbling newness in me today.  It is rather exciting.  The streak of increased physical and mental energy continues today, even after a day in the sun yesterday.  (If you don't know already, Lyme Disease + sun +heat = 3 couch days. )   I'm not to attribute this energy to... In fact, when I feel good, I try to simply appreciate it and not ask questions!  It is very empowering to wake with energy.  I often wonder if this is what 'normal' people feel like?  I think for those who are well (myself included, when I have a long streak of wellness), it is easy to get used to health, to forget that it is a blessing.  It is not the status quo.  It is actually like God put money in your account for you.  ("Here's enough to get you through the day, Bree... I hear him whisper.)   Energetic days are like a 'bonus' at work: unexpected, extra, and exciting.  Some people get a bonus every day, while others only get one here or there.  And yet, for those of us who get infrequent bonuses, I believe we appreciate them more.  While everyone else is going through their day in a hum-drum manner, us 'sickies' are jumping up and down: excited to make it to the grocery store AND the bank AND do laundry in ONE DAY.  Wow. :)

Sunlight.

My doctor has me keep a log of my daily energy levels.  It is not something I relish doing and yet it has been one of the most helpful ways of tracking my health and emotional state as I walk through the long corridors of sickness.

This morning I reached for my log, realizing I had forgotten to write in it for several days and I was struck by a realization that this month has been a hard one.  For those of you who have been around me, you might not have seen it on the outside.  It is not at though this month has been one where I've been bedridden.  I've gone to movies, hung out with friends and made social engagements.  And yet, there has been a host of medical issues that I've been dealing with on a daily basis...Fighting with, actually.  And to be honest, sometimes the functioning like a 'normal person' while having to fight the underlying battles is almost harder than just staying home.

The good news is, the sun is peaking its head through the clouds.  Yesterday, I went to my mother-in-laws and took photographs for her new 'Sweet Little Cakes' business.   I felt so alive with the camera in my hand again, thinking creatively without so much as an effort and scurrying around their property identifying good lighting and backdrops for the shoot.  It felt amazing.

This morning, I woke up and wrote in the log (under Tuesday, June 20th), I finally felt energetic!  Compared to the rest of the month, that day looked pretty good. :)

Here are a few pics I took yesterday!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Sweet-Little-Cakes-by-Donna/113802398699600.   

(website coming very soon!) 

Blur.

If you are someone who deals with sickness on a daily basis, you know exactly what I mean when I say-- I have difficulty finding my place.  At the risk of repeating myself, it is as though life is rushing past and here I stand, watching everyone live from a distance.  It is not always a bad thing.  There are advantage to sickness, believe it or not.  One of the greatest advantages would be perspective.  Most people live and drive at 78 mph. While this may get them to their destinations more quickly, there is a lot to be seen from the passengers side window that is a blur when you are the driver.  With that said, I prefer driving.  Fast.  And yet, there is something wise about accepting your place in society as an observer and making making the most of it.

Zone.

Quite a long time ago, I wrote about sugar and how it is supposed to affect Lyme Disease.  People recommended eating natural sugars rather than processed (I think it was mango instead of ice cream...)  I of course, refused.  I am a sweets nut.  I love creamy ice cream, smooth frozen yogurt, chocolately brownies and every sort of heaven out there...  In spite of this, I feel I have a relatively disciplined approach to sweets... um...most of the time...  But that does not mean I'm willing to give them up completely.   

Recently I asked my doctor (in a surprising flood of openness) if there was anything I could do to help my health through diet.  He asked me to list my daily routine of foods and he immediately said  I needed to cut my carb intake and increase my fat intake.  I grew up during the 'low fat' craze, which says cut down your fat to nothing and fill your stomach with whatever low-fat items are out there...  I also jumped on the 'whole grain' bandwagon, which to my surprise my doctor was not thrilled with in conjunction to my other eating habits.  He said some whole grain in fine, but unless i have other fats in my diet and proteins, he said I will not be gaining the energy that I need.  He recommended the basic of idea of the 'zone' diet as a guideline.

Hmmm.  This was a breakthrough for me.  

Now, my initial thought is-- no way you are going to make me change my ways!  And then I thought to myself...Wait a second, I asked him the question!

So for the past 2 months or so, I've been riding this zone wave.  Since I'm not doing for weight, it is a VERY loose diet. I don't even think of it as a diet so much as a switch in thinking.   The interesting thing has been that as I have increased protein and fat and balanced out my sugar cravings.  Trust me---THEY ARE STILL THERE!  But it seems to keep me more balanced throughout the day.  When I first tried it, I did it too extreme (not enough sugar or carbs) and I literally almost fainted.  I found myself on the kitchen floor, almost blacking out.  Not really the point.  So, I've adjusted and introduced more carbs.  I don't worry too much about it when I'm friend's houses.  I kinda just eat what's there.  Sometimes, if we are celebrating, I forget the whole thing all together.  But in my days at home- the normal, slow-paced, controllable days, I can maintain it pretty well and it gives me a sense of balance.  

It feels like a breakthrough in my adult life to switch my eating habits in a very moderate and doable way without obsessing over it.  

And trust me, I have NOT given up frozen yogurt. :) 

Crunch.

I've found myself chopping things lately.  You know: broccoli, carrots, mushrooms, bell peppers, etc...Anything you could put into a stew...  I've also found myself chewing on gum and carrots more than usual. I believe it's because I'm frustrated with many things right now.  

You know those posters that they have up in school that say '100 things to do instead of drugs'?  And then it says: ride a scooter or something brilliant?  I feel like my life has turned into one of those posters lately.  While I don't have a disposition for drugs, I do have the 'I'm a 'type A' personality and I'm annoyed with still being sick tendency.  

And so I will chop and chew and crunch away my frustration...I guess it's better than a lot of alternatives.  

If you have other suggestions, feel free...

Hello again.

After many months of silence on my Railroad Tracks blog, I am poking my head out to say hello .  My silence was not due to a lack of desire to write, but rather a business of writing elsewhere.  I've been working on a manuscript (yes, even in sickness, you can accomplish!) and living life as best as I can.

Today, I am pondering the idea of labels and their effect on our psyche.  A friend of mine noticed that I use the word 'sick' to describe myself often.  It is a defense mechanism of sorts-- a way to explain my lack of working to the world around me.  Because I don't look particularly ill, most people find me kind of a mystery.  (You look fine.  You talk and laugh and hang out like everyone else.  Why don't you work?  What's wrong with you?)  I've found that being outside the normal realm of people who work and lead energetic and busy lives, leaves me needing a category.  On a side note, I was filling out a form the other day that had three check-boxes: full-time student, work, and one other...can't remember.  I found myself staring and it going...nope. nope. nope.  I guess I don't check anywhere.)

And so, in my attempt to explain to the world my condition without really getting into the specifics, I say "I am sick."  I guess I figure that if I say sick, they will think of having the flu or a cold, which is quite miserable and something they have experienced.  Then, in understanding they will nod their heads and say, 'yes, I understand.'  While my condition does not necessarily feel like having a cold or flu all the time, it is the closest most people can relate to my condition.  It is the easy way out of explaning the complexity of the mental and physical implications of having Lyme Disease.

And yet, my friend challenged me the other day...She asked me if my labels are getting in the way of my striving towards healing and viewing myself as healthy.  I didn't think so.  At least not at the moment.  However, I'm conceding to the possibility that perhaps labeling myself as sick (though accurate) might not always be the most healthy way to relate to the people around me, who strive to help me back to health.  

Stuck.

I feel really stuck right now in my writing.  I wouldn't call it writer's block, per se.  I would call it frustrating.  I finished a rough draft of my first teen novel.  It's far from smooth as this point and yet I believe it has potential.  I really want to keep up my daily writing routine (Starbucks- Earl Grey tea, my mac and a pair of headphones,) but I'm not sure what I'd write.  I have a couple of 'maybe' projects on the back burner, but I'm not sure about them.  I'm having a friend review my novel right now, hoping to get some insight.  When I get my manuscript back, I suppose I will keep going on my revision process, but I feel like I'm losing steam.

Ugg....The writer's life... I'm off to one of my 'maybe' projects now.