The Either/Or.

Sometimes figuring out how to ‘keep up’ in social situations is difficult, especially if you don’t have a particularly outgoing personality.  Even for those who do have that type of personality, I’m sure you know what I mean. Some situations are harder than others—depending on the group dynamic. 

Harder still is figuring out to how function socially when you are feeling sick. Let’s say a normal person has like 100 bars of energy for a week.  And let’s say 60 bars go to work and basic functioning.  That still leaves 40 bars (40%) of the week’s energy left for the weekend: plenty for a movie, a 10k run, three hang outs with friends, church, and a Sunday evening movie and wine night…  It works out pretty well for the healthy person.  They use their energy during the day and renew their ‘bars’ at night with sleep.  It’s a good system… 

For those of us battling chronic illnesses, energy looks a little different.  Every week we are given a varying amount of energy ‘bars’, making life and social plans difficult to figure.  Maybe some weeks we are given a good 60 bars- which is quite decent, all things considered.  Other weeks are ‘40 bars weeks’ or worse, 10.  On those weeks, you have to simply have to make cuts. 

Sometimes, I feel as though I’m constantly calculating figures in my mind, trying to figure how many ‘bars’ I have left and what do with them.  During the week, I find myself asking questions like: Should I keep my house clean or should I save that energy to welcome my husband when he gets home?  Should I cook dinner or save my energy to be with my family?  Should I drive today or save that energy to get things done around the house?

On the weekends, the questions get more difficult, for that is when most of the social situations arise.  I feel so often that I lie to myself, telling myself that I have more ‘bars’ left than I truly do.  This is not unlike telling yourself that your car has a quarter tank, when that little red light is flashing at you.  It doesn’t matter what you believe you have left, it matters what’s actually in the tank. 

And that is where I find myself so often—staring at that little red flashing light, while still ten miles from my destination. 

      

Live Strong!

Hey everyone,

So this week has been a hard one...I've been struggling with extreme fatigue, particularly when I first wake up and when I go to bed at night.  I've done some modified yoga two days this week, but even that has put me under...However, I've really been working on keeping in line with my eating, which just makes me feel good, even when I don't 'feel good.'

My friend suggested I try out Lance Armstrong's website, 'Live Strong' which helps you make fitness and healthy eating goals, track your progress and calculate everything you are eating to see if you are keeping line with calories and also percentages of protein, fats and carbs.  This is SO awesome for the Zone diet.  I'm totally into it!  It also has the most comprehensive calorie counter I've ever seen.  It even has things like 'Fresh and Easy Cheddar cheese' and specific brands!  It's amazing.

My friend and I are trying to eat really healthy before our trip in the fall, so that when we are in Italy, we won't have to worry about what we are eating- we can just enjoy!  Until then, I'm sticking to it...

livestrong.com


Check it out!

Child's Pose.

I'm not really a 'yoga' kind of person, if you know what I mean.  I don't mean that I've never done it or never enjoyed it.  I guess before I was sick, I had a different mentality about it.  I felt like if I were going to be at the gym for an hour, I'd better make it count.  The truth is, quick results are not really what yoga has to offer.

I told my doctor on Monday about the 'exercise' I'd been trying to attain (15 measly minutes of walking/day) and I whined about how even that was doing me in.  He suggested trying meditation and yoga.

If you are at all like me, the word 'meditation' conjures an image of a dim, steamy room filled with mangy- haired hippies humming in unison.  Not exactly my crowd.

However, I've been learning yoga this week in the comfort of my living room (through our Apple TV) and have found it to be surprisingly doable and enjoyable for my flimsy, weak little body.  That is not to say that I don't get tired, but I find that yoga is perhaps the one activity that runs at my speed right now.  When I walk in my neighborhood, I find myself starring at those toned runners and mom's with running strollers as they whizz past me, as I stumble along.  Not how you want to feel when you are 27...  But yoga is actually quite...right.  I can't explain it.  I'm not feeling a lot of result in terms of muscle of course.  (I am doing beginner's yoga, so I wouldn't expect to.)  But I do see a difference in posture, energy, confidence and even a little bit in my mental state.

It's pretty much amazing.

15.

Fifteen stinking minutes-- that is all the exercise I'm trying to do per day this summer.... 15 minutes.  It's not like I'm trying to sprint; I'm walking, for goodness sake.  And yet, I'm finding it's a bit too much for my body.  I've been able to do it 3 days this week, which wasn't bad.  However, I find myself weak in the evenings from it.  I remember feeling that way when I was healthy and I would do a FULL work out.  That's when NORMAL feel tired-- after doing something significant.  Honestly, I feel like I'm the biggest wimp ever.

I do have to say that it is amazing what a small amount of movement does for your body.  It feels good to realize have your muscles still exist.

Okay, I'm done pouting.  To be honest, I'm excited I'm doing any sort of movement at all.  I lose perspective sometimes.  I remember a time when walking to the kitchen from the living room would cause my whole body to shake.

As C.S Lewis says: "Comparison is the thief of Joy."  

I guess for me, 15 minutes is something to celebrate.

Harvest.

As I sit here this morning, reveling in my breakfast of oatmeal with soymilk and fresh peaches, I feel a sense of newness washing over my being.  These past few years have felt like I've been constantly working on my illness with little or no return.  Of course, getting married in the midst of it all, was an enormous BRIGHT spot in the hard work of recovery.  But I've felt such a weight over my life, my goals and my future.  Will this illness keep me from my passion of teaching forever?  Will I ever get back to 'normal' life?   Will I ever get to travel with my husband as we always dreamed?  (We both have a major passion for travel and photography-- two interests which are fast friends.)   The last two weeks, I've turned a corner--
emotionally and physically-- and suddenly it feels as though, for the first time in this arduous journey, things are going to be all right.  I can't go back to work yet-- of that I am sure.  However, life is offering me little handfuls of fresh summer fruit...  Through a series of serendipitous events and the generosity of a friend, Steve and I are going to Italy this fall! It is quite a miraculous thing indeed...  I have no idea how my body will react to the travel or how I will feel when I'm there, but that is really beside the point.  The point is that, because of the blessings of God and the faithful work and prayers of my family, I am getting better.  It is not complete (and may never be on this side of heaven), but it is progress.  It is hope.  Because of God's blessings, I am LIVING life...Try and stop me. :)