Blur.

If you are someone who deals with sickness on a daily basis, you know exactly what I mean when I say-- I have difficulty finding my place.  At the risk of repeating myself, it is as though life is rushing past and here I stand, watching everyone live from a distance.  It is not always a bad thing.  There are advantage to sickness, believe it or not.  One of the greatest advantages would be perspective.  Most people live and drive at 78 mph. While this may get them to their destinations more quickly, there is a lot to be seen from the passengers side window that is a blur when you are the driver.  With that said, I prefer driving.  Fast.  And yet, there is something wise about accepting your place in society as an observer and making making the most of it.

Zone.

Quite a long time ago, I wrote about sugar and how it is supposed to affect Lyme Disease.  People recommended eating natural sugars rather than processed (I think it was mango instead of ice cream...)  I of course, refused.  I am a sweets nut.  I love creamy ice cream, smooth frozen yogurt, chocolately brownies and every sort of heaven out there...  In spite of this, I feel I have a relatively disciplined approach to sweets... um...most of the time...  But that does not mean I'm willing to give them up completely.   

Recently I asked my doctor (in a surprising flood of openness) if there was anything I could do to help my health through diet.  He asked me to list my daily routine of foods and he immediately said  I needed to cut my carb intake and increase my fat intake.  I grew up during the 'low fat' craze, which says cut down your fat to nothing and fill your stomach with whatever low-fat items are out there...  I also jumped on the 'whole grain' bandwagon, which to my surprise my doctor was not thrilled with in conjunction to my other eating habits.  He said some whole grain in fine, but unless i have other fats in my diet and proteins, he said I will not be gaining the energy that I need.  He recommended the basic of idea of the 'zone' diet as a guideline.

Hmmm.  This was a breakthrough for me.  

Now, my initial thought is-- no way you are going to make me change my ways!  And then I thought to myself...Wait a second, I asked him the question!

So for the past 2 months or so, I've been riding this zone wave.  Since I'm not doing for weight, it is a VERY loose diet. I don't even think of it as a diet so much as a switch in thinking.   The interesting thing has been that as I have increased protein and fat and balanced out my sugar cravings.  Trust me---THEY ARE STILL THERE!  But it seems to keep me more balanced throughout the day.  When I first tried it, I did it too extreme (not enough sugar or carbs) and I literally almost fainted.  I found myself on the kitchen floor, almost blacking out.  Not really the point.  So, I've adjusted and introduced more carbs.  I don't worry too much about it when I'm friend's houses.  I kinda just eat what's there.  Sometimes, if we are celebrating, I forget the whole thing all together.  But in my days at home- the normal, slow-paced, controllable days, I can maintain it pretty well and it gives me a sense of balance.  

It feels like a breakthrough in my adult life to switch my eating habits in a very moderate and doable way without obsessing over it.  

And trust me, I have NOT given up frozen yogurt. :) 

Crunch.

I've found myself chopping things lately.  You know: broccoli, carrots, mushrooms, bell peppers, etc...Anything you could put into a stew...  I've also found myself chewing on gum and carrots more than usual. I believe it's because I'm frustrated with many things right now.  

You know those posters that they have up in school that say '100 things to do instead of drugs'?  And then it says: ride a scooter or something brilliant?  I feel like my life has turned into one of those posters lately.  While I don't have a disposition for drugs, I do have the 'I'm a 'type A' personality and I'm annoyed with still being sick tendency.  

And so I will chop and chew and crunch away my frustration...I guess it's better than a lot of alternatives.  

If you have other suggestions, feel free...

Hello again.

After many months of silence on my Railroad Tracks blog, I am poking my head out to say hello .  My silence was not due to a lack of desire to write, but rather a business of writing elsewhere.  I've been working on a manuscript (yes, even in sickness, you can accomplish!) and living life as best as I can.

Today, I am pondering the idea of labels and their effect on our psyche.  A friend of mine noticed that I use the word 'sick' to describe myself often.  It is a defense mechanism of sorts-- a way to explain my lack of working to the world around me.  Because I don't look particularly ill, most people find me kind of a mystery.  (You look fine.  You talk and laugh and hang out like everyone else.  Why don't you work?  What's wrong with you?)  I've found that being outside the normal realm of people who work and lead energetic and busy lives, leaves me needing a category.  On a side note, I was filling out a form the other day that had three check-boxes: full-time student, work, and one other...can't remember.  I found myself staring and it going...nope. nope. nope.  I guess I don't check anywhere.)

And so, in my attempt to explain to the world my condition without really getting into the specifics, I say "I am sick."  I guess I figure that if I say sick, they will think of having the flu or a cold, which is quite miserable and something they have experienced.  Then, in understanding they will nod their heads and say, 'yes, I understand.'  While my condition does not necessarily feel like having a cold or flu all the time, it is the closest most people can relate to my condition.  It is the easy way out of explaning the complexity of the mental and physical implications of having Lyme Disease.

And yet, my friend challenged me the other day...She asked me if my labels are getting in the way of my striving towards healing and viewing myself as healthy.  I didn't think so.  At least not at the moment.  However, I'm conceding to the possibility that perhaps labeling myself as sick (though accurate) might not always be the most healthy way to relate to the people around me, who strive to help me back to health.  

Stuck.

I feel really stuck right now in my writing.  I wouldn't call it writer's block, per se.  I would call it frustrating.  I finished a rough draft of my first teen novel.  It's far from smooth as this point and yet I believe it has potential.  I really want to keep up my daily writing routine (Starbucks- Earl Grey tea, my mac and a pair of headphones,) but I'm not sure what I'd write.  I have a couple of 'maybe' projects on the back burner, but I'm not sure about them.  I'm having a friend review my novel right now, hoping to get some insight.  When I get my manuscript back, I suppose I will keep going on my revision process, but I feel like I'm losing steam.

Ugg....The writer's life... I'm off to one of my 'maybe' projects now.

PROGRESS.

I have noticed that the most successful parents are those who adjust.   A lot of parents tend to see their children as static.  Perhaps this is not true when they are changing grades every year.  After all, there is a huge difference between a first grader and a second grader.  The change is outward and apparent.  Even the change in height makes the inward changes more noticeable.  But when kids get out of high school and start moving on in life, it's almost like there is a drop- off, a time when parents forget that their children are still changing, still learning, still failing, still insecure, still vulnerable.

They don't adjust.  

I have been lucky enough to have parents who see not as a child or a completely self-sufficient adult.  They see me as I am: a post- graduate adult who still needs a whole lot of help in life and grace during times where I'm weak, inexperienced or uncertain.

In a way, I don't blame those parents who are clueless in this way, because I myself feel similarly sometimes.  Though I am not a parent, I experience this feeling in my sickness.  When it comes down to it, the core issue is a lack of perspective.  Just as parents aren't able to separate from their children enough to see where they are at NOW, so I cannot separate from my view of myself in sickness.  Okay, that might not make a lot of sense...Let me try to explain: 

When you first get sick, you view yourself as a "healthy person" who is experiencing sickness.  When sickness lingers, you go through all the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression & finally, acceptance.)   When then terrible cycle is through, you land a place where you can see yourself as a "sick person" without grief or self-pity.  It is just a way of thinking.  It is a way to filter life through a grid that helps it make sense.  Instead of struggling all the time and feeling angry and that you can't feel like "normal people," you make the change to assume that you can't do anything.  That way, if by some miracle you are able to go, it is a celebration!  And that is where I've been at for well over a year now.  (The whole grief process was about 6-8 months.)  

The problem is, with Lyme anyway, the symptoms are not always predictable.  The "growth" so to speak is unpredictable, which means that there are seasons, weeks, days and sometimes even hours when  the sickness seems to leave your body...  There are days when I'm functioning almost as though I were normal...And it is in those moments, when I find myself in crisis.  Who am I? How do I function in the world?  Am I sick person who is having a well moment or am I changing gears?  Am I going to heal now?  It is giant and exhausting mind game that anyone who is sick goes through regularly.  It is that tension that exhausts even those who have been through many horrors and tragedies.  Even the strongest of people feel this and knows it's pain...

Am I an adult or a kid?

Am I a sick person or well person?

Am I normal?

Should I 'do' or rest?

How do other people view me in all this? 

CRASH.

crash    [krash] –verb 
1.to break or fall to pieces with noise.

2.to experience unpleasant sensations, as sudden exhaustion or depression

The worst thing about crashing is that you don't expect it.  The worst thing about crashing when you have Lyme Disease is that you do.  Discernment is the key when you are living with a chronic illness...To do or not to do? that is the question...the never- ending question.

I think of the quote by Mark Twain where he says "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did so. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

Good advice Mr. Twain.  But I wonder if Mark Twain ever had Lyme Disease?  Probably not.  What would his motto had been if did?  Instead of "Explore. Dream. Discover" maybe he would have said: Rest. Sleep. Dream?"  Okay, that is depressing.

There is a time to push through when you are sick and there is also a time to sleep and I just can figure what time is what...  It is one of my greatest challenges.  Lately, I've been pushing through HARD CORE.  Amazingly, my body has been somewhat cooperating with me.  But the last few days I've been CRASHED hardcore.  And when I say crashed, I mean I am shut down: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.  It's like I pressed 'hibernate' mode on myself.  It's the only way to reset after an incredibly busy couple of weeks....

And yet, life demands so much more of me than I have to give it...What to do?