Hard to Swallow.

It's hard to talk when you're chewing.  It's even harder to write while you are thinking. That is why it has been a while since my last post. 

My whole life people have been spitting out cliches about death and I never really bought it... Some of it, I still don't buy. And pieces of their advice now feel splintered under my skin.  In one week, my husband and I lost two dear family members-- a loss that can't be measured...    

It is so strange when life brings you death.  For some reason, we don't expect it.  It's like we live in this unrealistic assumption that things will be okay and that we will just keep living.  I know I do.  
A lot of things have become clear to me in these past few weeks. I would like to try to share them here, but I feel a sense of pull-back.  What if I offend?  What if I'm insensitive?  But as with all writers, I must keep writing truth as I see it. 


"Life is short."
In the past few weeks of grief, this phrase has certainly come up.  From a human perspective, shortness makes something more valuable.   I'm beginning to realize that  EACH DECISION we make that much more important.  What I mean by that is that if we are waiting around, killing time, partying, etc. we are really wasting our lives.  I think of it like a road.  Each time we take a little step away from the straight path, we are taking our lives on a jagged trajectory...It's subtle and maybe not a big deal when we are 17 or 27.  But suddenly, we wake up and we are 37 or 57 and we wonder how we got here or where the time went....  I guess what I'm saying is, life choices matter and they will determine our finish line- for good or for bad. 


"You just never feel ready for this."
You don't.  God made us to live and to desire life.  Sin screwed us over.  We will never be ready for death.

"In the end, you can't take anyone with you."

It's funny because when I think about life, i usually think that I should be doing more: helping more people, volunteering more, etc.  But the truth is, at the end of life, it's you and God.  Really.  You can't really take anyone with you. And in this experience I realized that I really want more intimacy with God more than I want to "do more."  That's not to say those things are not important.  It's just to say, it all comes back to a relationship with God.  Doing more doesn't necessarily mean you are closer to God. 

"They are in a better place."


The answer to this is yes or no.  I guess I grew up in church, learning about God and his love for me.  And then one day I wake up to read in the Bible that there is a place called hell.  And people go there.  That doesn't make sense...I thought God loved people.  Why would he allow them to a place where they are eternally punished and separated from him?  


This is a hard topic.  One I tend to avoid. I can't tell you it's something I understand. All I can tell you is that I believe in God.  I believe he created the world.  I believe he is the essence of goodness and truth and morality, which is why we have an internal sense of morality, coded into our DNA. Even though it's gotten pretty screwed up in the human race, it's still there, whispering to us that we shouldn't treat others with hatred and screaming out against human trafficking, abuse and a million other injustices in our world. We know these things are wrong. 


I can only conclude that a God who taught us our very sense of morality is acting morally in our world, whether it seems that way or not.  And I can only conclude that hell is a just punishment for those who reject the truth and live a life separate from God.  That doesn't mean it is easy for me to swallow.  It just means I believe it. 
I guess what I'm saying is, the ocean exists, whether you have put your feet in the sand or not.  
Hell is there, whether you believe it or not.  And when we die, we will go one of two places. 


Now there is always the possibility that I am wrong.  In which case, I'm not sure anything matters-- morality, religion, life choices. Sure, having a family and co-existing with neighbors is preferable to being a drug addict-- but only in the sense that it's more peaceful in the moment.  I'm not sure life has a lot of meaning outside of God.  And, if I'm wrong, then you should just live as you please.  In fact, religion is just a crap way of trying to pretend life has meaning.  It doesn't matter what you believe, as long as you feel good about it. 


I'm not trying to say that with an attitude.  Really.  It's just true.  If no religion is true, then it doesn't matter what the hell you believe.  Honestly.  It really doesn't. Co-existing becomes the goal. 


But the truth is, I do believe life matters and our SPECIFIC beliefs matter. And that means EVERYTHING in life matters and EVERY PERSON in uniquely meaningful to God's purpose.  And every creature is in danger of separation from God at the end of their lives if they don't live for him and KNOW God as he can be known.


In short, believe in "absolute truth."  In other words, I don't believe everyone can be right about God, while believing contradictory statements.  I believe there is one truth to be found by all.  That is not to say there are pieces of this God puzzle that I don't misunderstand.  I know as a finite creature, my understanding is limited.  I probably am screwing some stuff up.  But I do believe that God can be found by us.  In fact, I believe he is waiting for us, hoping we crawl into his arms and let him cradle us.