SAFETY.

Does it ever strike you how odd human patterns are?  For instance, for our entire elementary career, we are assigned seats where we must sit every day.  We are given a nametag and a pencil cup to place on our little desks to make it feel like our space...It’s quite nice.  But if you ask any little kid what they want, it will be a seat on the opposite side of the room.  No one- not even little kids want to be told where to sit or what to do.

When we reach college, we are given total freedom to sit wherever you want.  You can even choose a new chair every time you come in to class.  But inevitably, what do people choose?  They choose to sit in “their” chair (and get pretty annoyed when others try to steal it.) 

What is it within the human soul that craves freedom, yet wants the safety of what is known?

In this time of sickness in my life, I do not know which to desire- the safety or the freedom.  More than anything, I want the freedom. I want to be able to drive as far as I want without tiring.  I want to be able to move anywhere in the world. I desire to run without stopping. I dream of going back to Italy and teaching English.  These are my desires, but they do not line up with reality.

My reality right now is that I’m lucky if I can drive 20 minutes total in a week.  I have no options for where I can move or work because I am not physically able to work.  And so there is a restlessness that tells me that I am not living life to it’s fullest.  There is a voice in my head that says “you are settling and you can do nothing about it.”

And so I am left with a choice- be unsatisfied with my lack of freedom or embrace the safety of the life I have been given.  My parents have offered their home to me as long as I need to live here.  I have a nice little room where I display my photography.  I have enough income through my Social Security to pay my basic needs and medical expenses, for the most part.  I have one of my best friends in the world living in the room next to me.  And I have a man in my life whom I am very much in love with…  Not bad at all…

And so I live in the safety and blessings which I have been given in this time of hardship and physical suffering.  I take comfort in my nametag and my pencil cup….But there is always, always a nagging in my soul to go to the desk on the other side of the room.  Whether my body heals or not, I suspect that nagging will not leave me alone on this side of heaven.