INEPT.

I am considering buying a new computer.  Until about a month ago, I hadn't even considered the possibility, because my Macbook has been a trusty friend for these past few years.  However, it is becoming a bit elderly.  I can't add anymore programs because the memory is full and I can't open up more than one application at a time without it freaking out and slowing down.  It has become quite a thorn in my side.

This might sound weird, but the other day, I felt like God prompted me to think about possibly investing in a new computer.  It is not something I would ever think to buy, especially in a time when my resources are extremely limited, due to my illness. However, my main outlets/ ways of coping with my illness right now are photography and writing, both of which are done on my computer.  So for right now, I am researching my options, saving up and trying to decide what computer I would like to buy when the time comes.

After spending a good deal of time on the Apple website, I have decided I am a computer idiot.  I don't know the difference between a GB and MB (is that even the right letters?)  And what's the difference between the memory and the RAM or are they the same thing?  And what do I REALLY need to increase my ability to edit my photos and what is just overpriced?  And what is a GHz?  (I actually did google all these things so I won't look like an idiot the next time I make it to the Apple store...)

To make matters worse, I made my way over to the Adobe website to check out photoshop programs and there are so many different versions ranging from $100-$2,000! Which one do I need?  And would I even be able to figure out Adobe Photoshop if I end up investing in a program someday?  My confidence is waning....

I have to say though, as I am writing I am realizing something profound.  While these type of experiences are both humbling and frustrating, I also find a certain kind of excitement in them.  Sometimes I grow tired of the monotany of my comfort zone.  I tend to do the things I feel good at and leave the rest alone.  This is an opportunity to learn something that I am not good at.  Just think of how good it would feel if I grew confident in my knowledge of computers and photoshop: two things that scare me to death!  It would be an accomplishment indeed.

Here are my goals:  First,I want to learn some basic terms so I can make an informed decision on which computer to buy.  Second, assuming I can save enough to buy photoshop someday, I would like to go to lessons at the apple store, so I don't spend a lot of money on a program that I don't know how to use.  Third, I would like learn how to organize my files better. I feel like such a computer slob.

More than anything, I want to learn how to have fun with my photos and my writing and use my computer as a tool for refining these skills...Wish me luck!  (I'm going to need it...)

ATTEMPTS.

I love taking pictures, but I feel extremely inept at anything technical. Ask anyone who knows me. The actual camera irritates me to no end; it's the art I crave. But since one is necessary for the other, I have given in and have been trying to get better at the technical end. Sort of.

When my friend Sheri asked me to take pictures for her and her fiancee, I responded with a very abrupt 'no.' When I take pictures, it is at my own pace and with no expectation of what will come out. That way, if I get nothing on a photoshoot, I get nothing. No big deal. No one is relying on me to take awesome pictures. Plus, with being sick, there is no way I can calculate how long I will be able to stand up, focus or create. My health is as unpredictable as the weather.

About a week after she asked me originally, my friend Sheri asked me again. She assured me that it was just a casual thing and that it didn't matter how they turned out. They just needed me to snap some shots... I promptly folded and said 'yes.'

We originally planned to take pictures this last Saturday, but it was pouring rain. So, the next day, we went out for a shoot and honestly, we had such a fun time. I felt the creative juices flowing. Though I was definitely a bit stiff, the couple I was taking pictures of were loose and jovial. I realized they were just out there to have fun and I needed to take my pictures in that spirit.

To add to the goodness of the day, the sky was blue, the clouds were puffy and I had more energy than I've had in a long time. I believe it was supernatural. There is no way I could have stood or walked for that long without God holding up my legs. Pretty cool.

While I have so much to learn and have nowhere to go but up with my photography, this was an awesome experience. I edited the pictures last night and I can't wait to show the couple the results.

Below, (labeled under the 'glimpses' post) are a couple of the pictures I took! (I asked Sheri if it would be all right to post them and said yes!)

One more thing, if you live around this area, make sure you don't miss the green hills and beautiful days right now. We all know that it doesn't last long around here and, as my friend Jodi always says, it's a spectacular show.

GLIMPSES.

SCRAPS.

As a general rule, I do not sew.  To me, sewing is frustrating, difficult, time consuming and, contrary to what a lot of people believe, expensive.  Plus, when you are all done with whatever you are making, there is always a pile of awkwardly shaped scraps left and it's hard to know what do with them.  Will I use them again?  Should I throw them away? Should I store them in the garage for 5-10 years  so I can use them when I do another sewing project?
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One of my friends often reminds me that God doesn't waste any experience in our lives: our joys, our trials, our boredom, our sin.  He uses everything we go through in life for his purposes.  To be honest, though this is true, it doesn't always FEEL true.  So often, when I spend an entire day or week sick on the couch, I feel like one of those little scraps...like a leftover piece cut from something that was once useful or meaningful.  However, this week, this idea of God not wasting anything in my life has started to make a little more sense to me.

As I have mentioned many times before, I love to write.  It is truly a passion of mine.  However, sometimes, I can sit down for hours and come out with something that I hope nobody ever reads. These past couple weeks, I have been thinking about some old stories that I wrote, but never finished.  I remember almost throwing them away, because I thought they were so terribly written.  But now that a little time has passed, I can see both their flaws and their merit.  It is making me want to turn those scraps of writing into something new, something useful.  If my health holds up enough, I think I will give it a try.  If they are not turning out, I might just tuck them away for another day... Either way, I am learning to appreciate the jagged and unfinished things in my life as projects to be used in the future-even if it takes 5 or 10 years to finish.

FOGGY.

For my 3-5 readers out there, I would like to apologize for not writing more last month.  As I mentioned in my last blog, I love to write and when I don't I feel like my thoughts are trapped. However, with the exception of this past week, I have what Lyme doctors call "brain fog."  Brain fog is pretty much what it sounds like: fuzziness in your brain.  It's difficult to focus, difficult to process and difficult to make quick decisions (which is why I rarely drive).  I have DEFINITELY had incredible progress in this area of my sickness over the past 3 months, which makes a world of difference in my day-to day life.  However, I still struggle some days with reading and always have a hard time driving.  Luckily, writing seems to be the easiest mental activity with brain fog, which is pretty much amazing!

This past week I have had the clearest mind I have had for months, which means I have been working as much as possible on my children's writing, which I absolutely love.  However, I have not been able to get to my blog too much.  For this, I apologize.  My brain fog is not something I foresee going away anytime soon, so my blog will probably be off-and-on.  However, please don't stop checking periodically for new entries.  Also, I really love feedback, thoughts, quotes, etc.  They encourage me to keep processing and writing all the things that God is teaching me and challenging me with in a difficult space in my life.    

ISOLATE.

(Photo by: N. Johnson)

Both sickness and writing create the same problem in my life: Isolation.  For a poor extrovert like myself,  this is a mild form of torture.  (Okay, perhaps I'm being a bit dramatic, but it has been a very long day and I am utterly exhausted.)


The problem is that I don't have a choice whether to be sick, so I can't really change that.  On my worst days of sickness, I honestly don't even like to talk very much.  (For those of you who know me- you know this is very strange indeed).  But writing is definitely my choice.  I mostly write children's stories, but also like to write poems and hope to write a novel someday. 

I recently went through all my old stuff in in my closet and found a ridiculous amount of journals- about 4 per year since I was in Junior High until now.  I can't help but let my thoughts out on paper.  I think my head would have exploded if I had all those thoughts inside of me from Junior High until now.


It is so strange to me that I often feel like writing as soon as I start feeling better.  You would think that an extrovert like myself would just want to get out and see people and talk (and believe me, on my good days, I do).  However, there is a part of my that is shut down or cut off when I am sick.  It is that part of me that cannot sleep until I write down my thoughts.  It is that part of me that like to analyze and make something new that has never been made before.  It is like my Lyme Disease traps that inside of me and it is just dying to get a breath of air.


Breathe.  Just breathe.

RESOLUTION.

There is no other time in the year when I think about the stupidity of mankind more than in the month of January.  It is almost too cliché to even write about how the gyms fill up in the New Year and the diet books sell like crazy…for one month any way.  I am tempted to use stronger language to express my frustration at this weakness, this shortsightedness…but I will refrain, since I myself fall into this craze.  I wonder if there is even one person on earth who has ever kept a New Year’s resolution for an entire year?  If you have ever done this, props to you.

The thing is that consistency and resolution are not exactly human virtues.  In fact, they go against the very grain of our sin nature.  And yet, there is something within that wants it and so we, in our feebleness and brokenness, reach and try to at least look as though we are intending to do a good thing. 

One thing I have been trying to incorporate into my life right now is a tiny bit of reading.  I know I am not an avid reader and probably never will be, but I do know that reading is a beneficial practice in life.  I have been reading two little books by Andrew Murray for the past week or two.  He is one of my favorite authors and I thought that perhaps he would inspire me to go deeper in my times of prayer and relationship with God, which, to be honest have been extremely stale these past month or so… One theme that I enjoy in Andrew Murray’s writing is the theme of sitting in God’s presence. 

About two weeks ago, I felt like God gave me an idea: to challenge my small group at church via email to sit in God’s presence for 20 minutes every day.  I told my friend about it and she nodded her head in agreement that this was a good idea.  But did I ever email my group?  No, I did not.  I tried to motivate myself to but to be honest, I didn’t know if I would be able to commit to it and the last thing that I wanted to do was to email my group and then not do it wholeheartedly myself.  So instead I decided to do it on my own and see how it went before involving others. 

I think sitting in God’s presence is probably one of the hardest things to do as Americans.  We are the most distractible of all people.   We don’t know how to sit.  The only reason we sit is in order to do something: to type, to write, to read, to play games on our phones, to talk on the phone, to text, to eat or even to do all of these things at one time…We have lost the art of sitting and we need to find it again.

I have found that when I sit to listen to God, it usually takes about 5 minutes of what feels like torture to quiet my mind.  It is the most unnatural thing to sit and not do.  I just don’t like it.  But there are few things that bond my heart to God better than when I let him infiltrate the synapses of my brain, the beat of my heart, the thoughts- evil and otherwise- of my mind… He can only break me into this space of closeness with him through extreme discipline.  To be honest, I do not do this enough.  I don’t think any of us do. But when he breaks through to my thoughts and comes near, there is nothing more worthwhile, nothing more satisfying… That is how it has been for me this week.  God has been breaking through my worries, my stress, my lack of stillness and meeting me in a wonderful way.  It’s the most amazing thing.  I know that I cannot reach God in this way on my own.  He must come near.  But I also think that if I hadn’t taken the time this week to sit, I don’t think I would have experienced God’s nearness in the same way.

Can you imagine how different our character, our words, our relationships would look if we all did this for a chunk of time each day?  I wish I could say this is my New Year’s resolution, but I know that if it was, I would only break it.   And so, my prayer is that God will continue to prompt my heart towards stillness in this new year, so that I can soak up his goodness, his words, his deep and brilliant purity. 

I am just as guilty of inconsistency and lack of discipline as anyone, but I think to give up is not an option.  I will keep trying and making time with God a priority.  But as my father so often says, “A priority without a plan is just a good intention…”