RESOLUTION.

There is no other time in the year when I think about the stupidity of mankind more than in the month of January.  It is almost too cliché to even write about how the gyms fill up in the New Year and the diet books sell like crazy…for one month any way.  I am tempted to use stronger language to express my frustration at this weakness, this shortsightedness…but I will refrain, since I myself fall into this craze.  I wonder if there is even one person on earth who has ever kept a New Year’s resolution for an entire year?  If you have ever done this, props to you.

The thing is that consistency and resolution are not exactly human virtues.  In fact, they go against the very grain of our sin nature.  And yet, there is something within that wants it and so we, in our feebleness and brokenness, reach and try to at least look as though we are intending to do a good thing. 

One thing I have been trying to incorporate into my life right now is a tiny bit of reading.  I know I am not an avid reader and probably never will be, but I do know that reading is a beneficial practice in life.  I have been reading two little books by Andrew Murray for the past week or two.  He is one of my favorite authors and I thought that perhaps he would inspire me to go deeper in my times of prayer and relationship with God, which, to be honest have been extremely stale these past month or so… One theme that I enjoy in Andrew Murray’s writing is the theme of sitting in God’s presence. 

About two weeks ago, I felt like God gave me an idea: to challenge my small group at church via email to sit in God’s presence for 20 minutes every day.  I told my friend about it and she nodded her head in agreement that this was a good idea.  But did I ever email my group?  No, I did not.  I tried to motivate myself to but to be honest, I didn’t know if I would be able to commit to it and the last thing that I wanted to do was to email my group and then not do it wholeheartedly myself.  So instead I decided to do it on my own and see how it went before involving others. 

I think sitting in God’s presence is probably one of the hardest things to do as Americans.  We are the most distractible of all people.   We don’t know how to sit.  The only reason we sit is in order to do something: to type, to write, to read, to play games on our phones, to talk on the phone, to text, to eat or even to do all of these things at one time…We have lost the art of sitting and we need to find it again.

I have found that when I sit to listen to God, it usually takes about 5 minutes of what feels like torture to quiet my mind.  It is the most unnatural thing to sit and not do.  I just don’t like it.  But there are few things that bond my heart to God better than when I let him infiltrate the synapses of my brain, the beat of my heart, the thoughts- evil and otherwise- of my mind… He can only break me into this space of closeness with him through extreme discipline.  To be honest, I do not do this enough.  I don’t think any of us do. But when he breaks through to my thoughts and comes near, there is nothing more worthwhile, nothing more satisfying… That is how it has been for me this week.  God has been breaking through my worries, my stress, my lack of stillness and meeting me in a wonderful way.  It’s the most amazing thing.  I know that I cannot reach God in this way on my own.  He must come near.  But I also think that if I hadn’t taken the time this week to sit, I don’t think I would have experienced God’s nearness in the same way.

Can you imagine how different our character, our words, our relationships would look if we all did this for a chunk of time each day?  I wish I could say this is my New Year’s resolution, but I know that if it was, I would only break it.   And so, my prayer is that God will continue to prompt my heart towards stillness in this new year, so that I can soak up his goodness, his words, his deep and brilliant purity. 

I am just as guilty of inconsistency and lack of discipline as anyone, but I think to give up is not an option.  I will keep trying and making time with God a priority.  But as my father so often says, “A priority without a plan is just a good intention…”

SAFETY.

Does it ever strike you how odd human patterns are?  For instance, for our entire elementary career, we are assigned seats where we must sit every day.  We are given a nametag and a pencil cup to place on our little desks to make it feel like our space...It’s quite nice.  But if you ask any little kid what they want, it will be a seat on the opposite side of the room.  No one- not even little kids want to be told where to sit or what to do.

When we reach college, we are given total freedom to sit wherever you want.  You can even choose a new chair every time you come in to class.  But inevitably, what do people choose?  They choose to sit in “their” chair (and get pretty annoyed when others try to steal it.) 

What is it within the human soul that craves freedom, yet wants the safety of what is known?

In this time of sickness in my life, I do not know which to desire- the safety or the freedom.  More than anything, I want the freedom. I want to be able to drive as far as I want without tiring.  I want to be able to move anywhere in the world. I desire to run without stopping. I dream of going back to Italy and teaching English.  These are my desires, but they do not line up with reality.

My reality right now is that I’m lucky if I can drive 20 minutes total in a week.  I have no options for where I can move or work because I am not physically able to work.  And so there is a restlessness that tells me that I am not living life to it’s fullest.  There is a voice in my head that says “you are settling and you can do nothing about it.”

And so I am left with a choice- be unsatisfied with my lack of freedom or embrace the safety of the life I have been given.  My parents have offered their home to me as long as I need to live here.  I have a nice little room where I display my photography.  I have enough income through my Social Security to pay my basic needs and medical expenses, for the most part.  I have one of my best friends in the world living in the room next to me.  And I have a man in my life whom I am very much in love with…  Not bad at all…

And so I live in the safety and blessings which I have been given in this time of hardship and physical suffering.  I take comfort in my nametag and my pencil cup….But there is always, always a nagging in my soul to go to the desk on the other side of the room.  Whether my body heals or not, I suspect that nagging will not leave me alone on this side of heaven.

ENTROPY.

There is something within me that wants for things in life to stay whole and untarnished, but this never seems to happen. I don’t think I am the only one who senses the tendency towards decay in the universe. This is true on a large scale for the universe of course. The world is constantly in a state of being polluted and overcrowded, not to mention that our natural resources are constantly dwindling. But even in the smallest things in my life, I notice this tendency. At some point, new cars break down, highlights grow out, fingernails chip, new clothes stretch out, cds scratch, ipod drop on the floor (total bummer!), food goes moldy, shampoo bottles run dry, rooms get messy…It’s really quite annoying. These small things may not seem like a big deal, but to me they are a symptom of a greater problem in the whole universe: the law of entropy.

I looked up the word entropy today on thesaurus.com and it gave me these synonyms: breakup, collapse, decay, decline, degeneration, destruction, falling apart, worsening. Each one of these words powerfully describes what is constantly happening on every level of the universe: from the decay of our teeth to the melting of the polar ice caps.

I think the most annoying side effect of this universal law is the breakdown of our own bodies. Our whole lives (after adolescence) are a process of our bodies breaking down. I think the sooner that we realize this, the better off we will be, because it will not surprise us when it happens.

It is interesting that in a time in my life when almost all my friends are in the best physical shape of their lives, I am absolutely a mess. While a lot of my friends are running marathons and triathalons, I am lucky if I can walk to the end of my street. Some days walking to the mailbox is a victory. While this may seem fairly depressing, it is kind of strange gift to me in a weird way. It is a daily reminder of my own lack of control over my own life and my ability to control anything. It also reminds me how fragile my body is. I know that I’m not invincible.

Being sick also does something good inside of me, in that it springs at least a little desire for something else: something beyond this world. It is so incredibly easy for me to be happy with just living and not thinking about eternity and the life that Christ calls us to if we have decided to submit our lives to him. But when your body is constantly hurting, it is a constant reminder that we are not made for this earth- that this is a broken system, a dim reflection of something greater.

In the meantime, our job is to keep our eyes open and do our best to allow God to renew our hearts, even while our bodies are falling apart.

Romans 8: 19-21

The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

CONSTANTS.

One of my favorite phrases is “the only constant is change.” While it is true that life is always changing, I have found that there are certain things that I can count on to stay the same: the sun rising and setting, the seasons changing, my mom making Autumn soup in September, family getting together in November and December, etc…The older I get, the more I truly take comfort in these things. They give my life a sense of rhythm.

Another example is that when we change the clocks for Daylight Savings time, it always feels strange how it is dark so early. Without fail, the clocks are turned back on set on a specific day each fall. In our minds, we KNOW that it will get dark earlier. And yet, somehow, it will never cease to amaze us for that first week of adjustment that it is only 7 o’clock when it feels like at least 8 or 9. In a strange way, this comforts me.

And so I’ve concluded that during this season of sickness in my life, I want to create as many sensible “constants” in my life as I can. One of my constants is a cup of tea each day. It might sound ridiculous, but I take so much joy in both making and drinking my morning tea now. My latest tea habit consists of a lovely cup of British Breakfast tea, a squirt of honey and a splash of soymilk. It is quite delicious. Somehow, when I sit down for my morning tea, whether I am miserably sick or surprisingly energetic, it brings me a sense that I can make it through my day, whatever it will look like.

CREATIVITY.

Creativity has saved my sanity in sickness. During my really bad Lyme days, it is almost impossible to concentrate or create, so I just give up. BUT…on days when I am recovering, it is just the thing to get my mind working again.

I constantly go through different seasons of creating, which I hear is normal for the artistic process. But, as a very structured person, this frustrates my intense need for consistency in a time in my life when I can’t be consistent or committed to almost anything. But still, in every season, God gives me a new wave of drive to focus on the creative endeavor at hand. Creativity opens up what has been shut down by sickness.

At times, I am intense about playing my guitar and new song ideas will flood my mind. Other times, I fix my eyes on photography and focus growing in my skills in that area. When neither of these things are striking me, I turn to writing children’s stories or journaling. When all of things aren’t working, I start a blog. Haha Just kidding. But you get the idea. Creativity is a big part of my life, survival and healing process.

Sometimes I feel like my endeavors are fruitless and it frustrates me to not be better at each of these skills, but it is all part of the process, part of the healing. For me, to give up on creativity would almost be like giving up on healing. Whether you are healthy or sick, I would definitely recommend trying to find creative outlets in your life. It certainly can’t hurt.

TITHE.

The other day, I seriously felt like an emotional wreck. I was impatient, snippy, sarcastic, and cranky. And for the life of me, I could not figure out why. I knew I was tired and, of course, sick, but that is not different from any other day. What was different?

It was not until a few days later that I realized I had been going out 1-3 times every day for the entire week, whether it was to run an errand, see a friend for coffee, hang out with my boyfriend, etc. This may not sound like a lot, but for my body and my health that is WAY,WAY too much to do in a week. (To give you a point of reference, when I was sick last fall, I only went out for about 20 minutes every couple of days…) While I am no longer completely housebound, I have seriously limited energy and have to really watch how much I am out and for how long. The last thing I want to do is to hold back my recovery by putting unnecessary stress on my body.

I have a friend who is always texting me a phrase that has been very helpful to me as I’ve been recovering. It is: “Save 10%.” By this, she means save 10% of your energy, your strength, and your sanity. Don’t let your tank go empty. It’s like how in the Old Testament, God asked his people to give him the first tenth or “tithe” of all their crops and any sort of income they made in the year. This was an act of obedience that showed commitment and trust in God and his provision and, in turn, he blessed them for their obedience. Similarly, I think it is wise to save a “tithe” of my energy. I have found this is really good way to live. When I do this, it makes feel slightly more sane and definitely less cranky.

WANDER.

One of my life’s greatest luxuries is allowing my thoughts to wander. When I am busy, my thoughts are always related to action. When I am tired, my thoughts cannot usually drift, for they are always pointed directly at sleep, like an arrow. It is when my mind is truly clear, when the only sound I hear is the faint sound of the Swell Season, when I can smell the aroma of a fresh cup of licorice tea, when I am bundled in a huge blanket of warmth…It is then and only then can my thoughts wander to things I truly care about. To me, that is when I am most at rest.